A better whip to beat your wife.

    WHEN some men clear their throats, their wives develop symptoms of tuberculosis. Those are men who are neither bullies nor mad dogs. They do not get a kick from kicking their wives around the house. They do not beat their women just to prove they are men. And their women know when to pull the brakes. So, there are men and there are men. Mad men, wife beaters and men who know how to enforce discipline in their homes.

    We’ve heard enough of men who kick their women in the tummy when they are pregnant and those who cause their women to wear D&G ‘bones’ to cover up dark patches on their faces after slapping sessions. We have also heard enough of women who make their husbands so miserable, the poor men lose it and go berserk. In other words, there are wife beaters, women batterers all over the place and women with vile mouths who don’t know when to duck when they see a flying punch. So, there is no point belabouring the violent point. It is bad to be foul-mouthed and worse to be a wife or woman beater. Is there then a middle road? Of course. Only dumb men don’t know how to discipline their women without raising a fist. Wife beaters should learn from their women. We, the daughters of Eve do not beat men and yet smart men don’t toy with us.

    We do not give our men black and blue faces to get them to buy us gold, diamonds, the latest SUV and build us houses. They do all those things nice and easy and we know how to express our gratitude. But men who insist this is a man’s world don’t know jack about making their women do what they want. All brawns, no strategy. A woman will tell a man to go to hell and the dude is actually going to look forward to the trip. Well, it’s absolutely a woman thing. We were designed by God with that particular element. Poor men, what do they know?

   But wait, I found men who know how to get their women to fear and revere them. Their women confessed so. Some men told me how they do it. The lesson in all I learnt is unless you escaped from a psychiatric hospital, there is no reason to beat the woman in your life.

   Bimpe is 40 and said her husband simply shuts down all activities at her oil installation.Alfred does not actually freeze his wife’s account when she errs, he simply insists on a proposal and due process for every expense. Like Cross River State Senators, Bayo deploys the hunger strike strategy and Nath makes Bo- la Ige proud with his siddon look approach. Let’s take them one by one.

Bimpe’s story

‘Babe, you know I married in my old age. At 37, I had been around and I do not joke with my sex life. I knew if I was going to keep my pants on, I must marry a man who can hold them in place. My husband may be guilty of all sins and inadequacies but he is all the man I want in bed. The thought of him gets me through a bad day, believe me. He is a long distance runner who is skilful every step of the way. He knows my weakness and he exploits it to the hilt. If I step out of line, he wears a belt with his pyjamas.

He’s got plenty of self-control anyway, so he’s difficult to seduce. When I’m serving penance, that’s when my husband wears what advertises his ‘goods’ in the house- great biceps, firm thighs. He would give me long lingering kisses and that’s it. He’s very fashion conscious and when he’s punishing me, he wears all those things that keep the women ogling him. The total torture is lethal, more lethal than I can put into words. I love him to bits and so, of course, I can’t stand the punishment for more than three days. After that I beg and make sure I do exactly as he pleased. It’s working for our marriage.

Afred’s story

My wife knows I’m generous and that is also the weapon I use to whip her in line. Once I start asking for explanation on how the house-keeping allowance is spent, why she can’t travel for summer or why they all have to go to Gambia instead of Spain, she knows it’s not because I’m broke. I refuse to talk about her demands for anything that has to do with money. All aso-ebi for parties are rejected. I ask for special dishes, soups. But no extra kobo comes out of anywhere. We do not run generator all night. The big cars stay in the house because their keys stay in my locked-up wardrobe. Even the children know when things are not right. My attitude is if I’m not happy in my home, everybody joins the unhappy train. Period. It works for me.

Bayo’s story

If my wife offends me, I refuse her food. I eat outside until she apologises and stops whatever it is that has rubbed me up the wrong way. Sometimes she is angry too and ignores me and my hunger strike. When she does that I step up the strategy by bringing food home, warm it in her microwave while whistling and I eat it on the dining table. That leaves her wondering where the food came from. Oh, to make that angle effective, I do not bring anything that looks like it is from a fast food eatery. I bring real native food like pounded yam and vegetable packed in a beautiful food flask complete with hand towel and bottled water and wine, all in a nice basket. And no matter how tired I am when I get home, I eat my ‘food from outside’ and tell the house help to put the flask back in the car.

Nath’s story

I go out a lot when my wife offends me until she returns to her senses. If she calls me while I’m out, I tell her I’d call back later. I never do. If she greets me, I grumble. I stay in my room when I’m in the house. If she feigns illness to get my attention, I call the doctor to come to the house but I make sure I leave before he arrives. I know what hurts her and the silent treatment is the most potent. I’m ordinarily a jovial person. We talk a lot. We are each other’s best friends. We even gossip like two girls. We drink wine on the balcony and swap jokes but when she offends me, I withdraw all that. She is a banker and likes to return home where she can relax. Instead of beating her or shouting, I simply listen to my old school blues and watch wrestling. Otherwise, I’m out with the boys and I let her know.

So, what did we learn folks? There are many ways to kill a cat. Find another whip to beat your wife otherwise you are a certified psycho.

The alert on Zika virus.

THE world was justly alarmed last week when the World Health Organisation (WHO) warned that the Zika virus, a mosquito-borne infection, has been reported in 21 countries in South America and the Caribbeans. The WHO Director-General, Margaret Chan, observed that the virus was spreading explosively in the world and that its threat has grown from mild to alarming, necessitating the convening of experts to do a world-wide assessment.

The Federal Government has, in a quick response, instituted travel restrictions to Latin American countries by pregnant women until the situation improves. The virus has been linked to cases of microcephaly, the birth of babies with underdeveloped brains. More than 4,000 such babies have been born in Brazil since May last year, forcing the country, which is to host the 2016 Olympics Games, to repeatedly assure the world that it is on top of the situation and that athletes and fans need not fear for their health during the Games.

The Zika virus, on face value, seems a fairly innocuous infection. It is neither infectious nor contagious, although there has been an unconfirmed report of a transmission through sex. Only 20 per cent of those infected become ill and the symptoms are the fairly familiar symptoms of other tropical maladies – fever, rash, joint pain, conjunctivitis (red eyes) — which set off no alarm bells. The illness is usually mild and the symptoms last for several days to a week and rarely require hospitalisation and no death has been directly reported as arising from them.

But, the effects rise to stratospheric heights when the virus attacks pregnant women. Birth abnormalities are a mother’s nightmare, and Zika has been held responsible for children born with abnormally small craniums and brain deficiencies. At least four countries – Brazil, El Salvador, Colombia and Ecuador – have advised their women to abstain from getting pregnant for at least two years. The hope is that within that period, the world would have found a way round the Zika virus. Such optimism is supported by a report that Biotech International Limited, an Indian company, has developed the world’s first vaccine against the Zika virus, and had filed a vaccine patent about nine months ago.

The vector for this scary virus is the aedes mosquito family which is also the carrier for dengue fever and yellow fever. There are fears that the virus could be brought into the country through importation of used tyres from Latin American countries. Since there has been no known case of the Zika virus in Nigeria, the Federal Government must mobilise all state governments and health facilities to be on emergency footing in terms of information dissemination and in monitoring of any symptoms that may have any similarities to those of the Zika infection.

It may be necessary for Nigeria to restrict the importation of goods from the affected countries. Otherwise, we must ensure a pre-embarkation inspection of all such imports and the fumigation of the containers that carry them into the country. We need hardly say that aircraft flying in from Brazil and other South American countries must be fumigated immediately on arrival.

We think it was most thoughtful for the Federal Government to impose travel restrictions on pregnant women. Microcephaly is a dreadful disease which not only impairs the speech of the afflicted child but also blocks its mental development. Because of the newness of this disease, it is not yet known the extent of the damage and whether the symptoms are reversible with time and therapy. All hands must be on deck, therefore, to forestall its entrance into the country. It is our hope that given the world’s attention and determination to seek a solution for it, it will not be long before some answers are found.

The advent of the Zika virus underscores our inability to win the war against mosquitoes. Malaria continues to be one of the major causes of death of Nigerians and a great reminder of how much more we need to do in the fight against mosquitoes. We urge the Federal Ministry of Health to return to the Ebola playbook, and once more lead the charge in the campaign for cleanliness and environmental sanitation. We need to deny mosquitoes any breeding place in this country. Our scientists should also join in the quest to counter the Zika virus.

Mothers Watch Your Kids; Baby Swallows Mum's Wedding Ring

Babies put all kinds of things in their mouth, if
you have a baby please be careful and
watchful...
According to a Reddit user, his wife lost her ring
and searched everywhere, but couldn't find it.
She came to the conclusion to take their toddler
to her GP ‘just in case’.
The GP X-rayed the child, and as you can see
the lost wedding ring is clearly visible.
The father said, "The reason the pediatrician
suggested the x-ray was to ensure it wasn’t
getting stuck anywhere it shouldn’t. Retrieving
the ring wasn’t the concern.
"He’s actually shown no signs of discomfort at
all. I’m certain his older brothers will be telling
him about this for the rest of his life. Now we
dissect each diaper like 5th grade science class."
Anyway they got lucky, the father revealed that
the ring later came out after his son pooped
without any prompting needed.
"We can’t believe how quickly it passed, and it
didn’t seem to cause him any pain on the way
out..."

Nigerian Man,Pregnant Wife & 2 Children Die In House Fire In West Monroe Louisiana

26-year-old Ojowori Jeremiah, his pregnant
wife, 24-year-old Ashley Owojori, their first
son, Halley,and 7-month-old baby are the
casualties of the latest tragedy that claimed
another Nigerian family in the United States of
America.
The incident happened at the young couple’s
houese at 201 Coleman Street in West Monroe,
Louisiana around 7:30am this past Sunday.
A neighbor who escaped unharmed, informed
investigators that the structure lost electrical
power at approximately 3:30 a.m. His account
also reveals that Jeremiah Owojori had notified
a duplex maintenance worker about 6:30 a.m.
of a strange loss of electricity in his apartment.
But the neighbour who chose to be anonymous
was uncertain whether the family returned to
sleep before being discovered by firefighters.
Police investigation revealed that faulty wiring
caused the fire that wiped out the entire family.
Last week Tuesday, a Nigerian footballer
Emmanuel Omogbo lost his Nigerian parents to
an inferno in Chillum Maryland.

Housewife found dead in kidnapper’s home. I didn’t plan to kill her -Suspect

DETECTIVES attached to the Criminals
Investigation Department (CID) of the
Lagos Police Command are probing the
circumstances surrounding the death of a
40-year-old housewife, Helen Peters,
whose lifeless body was found in the house
of a young man identified as Henry
Uwadiegwu on January 19, 2015.
The victim was allegedly lured by Henry to
his house on number 36, Fashola Street,
Agege, with the intention of abducting her
for ransom. To perfect his plans, Henry
allegedly hired some thugs to tie her up on
the excuse that she was insane. He also
contacted a nurse who injected her with an
unidentified drug to sedate her for 8 hours.
But the drug ended up killing her.
The suspicious activities going on in his flat
drew the attention of his landlady who
stopped him from fleeing when he
discovered that Helen was no longer
breathing.
On his arrest, a police source told Saturday
Sun that they got were alerted by a source
at the General Hospital, Ipaja that a young
man brought in a dead woman without
valid explanation. Henry was within the
hospital vicinity when the Police arrived
there and arrested him.
During interrogation, Henry, 25, told the
Police that the deceased was his sugar
mummy for many years. Hear the Police
source: “Henry hatched a plan to extort
money from her family and executed the
plan. He deceived neighbours and a nurse
to tie Helen up and inject her with drug that
could sedate her for several hours. When
they discovered that she was no longer
moving her body, they rushed her to the
hospital where she was confirmed dead.
“To cover his tracks,Henry registered the
deceased with a fake name and address.
Also in order to confirm that he and Helen
were lovers, Henry took us to a hotel where
he claimed they normally hanged out
although investigation revealed that he
worked in the hotel as a security man. He
also took us to a bar and we discovered
that the place is very close to the deceased
in-law’s house and few meters to her family
house. This made it impossible for anyone
to believe that story. Meanwhile in­
vestigation is ongoing,” the source told
Saturday Sun.
Police investigation further revealed that
before the incident, a school proprietress
had narrowly escaped being kidnapped by
Henry sometime ago. It was alleged that he
invited the woman from her school at
Gowon Estate, Ipaja to his house at Agege
to discuss the modalities for enrolling two
of his children in her school. But as God
would have it, the woman failed to show
up.
My wife only wanted to help him -
Husband
When Saturday Sun’s correspondents
visited the deceased home at Gowon
Estate, where friends and sympathisers
were trooping in to console Helen’s
husband, Emmanuel and the immediate
family, the bereaved husband who is also a
Zonal Pastor at the Winners Chapel,
explained that his wife was deceived by the
suspect into believing that he was in need.
“My wife was a good woman and her major
weak point was her generosity. Henry was
once a security man in the estate and he
was well known to the residents including
my family members. Few weeks before the
incident, my wife informed me about her
encounter with Henry. She explained that
Henry impregnated a woman and the
woman’s family insisted that he must marry
her.
“She said that Henry came to her shop at
Gowon Estate and knelt down begging for
assistance and since she was a woman
leader in the church, she wanted to encour­
age him by supporting the marriage. I was
not comfortable with that story but my wife
ensured that I was okay with the story.
Anytime the guy visited her shop, she
would tell me.
“Few days to the day of the incident, my
wife came back and in her usual way of
keeping me updated, said that Henry had
secured a venue for wedding. She told me
that as soon as they agreed on a date; she
would like to go and see the hall to be sure
that the rent was not high. On January 19,
she told me that she would go and inspect
the house.
“They agreed to meet at an eatery in Ipaja,
and take off from there. My wife was at the
eatery and called me. She told me that she
was waiting for Henry and also used the
opportunity to alert me that her car was
faulty. I volunteered to come with another
car if that one could not be managed but
she said she would manage it. That was the
last time I heard from her.
“ Thereafter, her phones were switched off.
I assumed that her phone battery was
down. But when I waited and did not hear
from her, I became alarmed. It was then it
occurred to me that the children were still
in school and if they had not returned, then
their mother had not gone to pick them. I
rushed out and brought my kids home. I
also called my in-laws and they said that
she was not with them.
“I decided to trace Henry through the family
of the girl that he claimed he impregnated.
The family members who I saw were so
bitter and threatening to deal with Henry, if
he dared come close to their house. I was
alarmed because I nad just discovered that
there was no wedding coming up. I
managed to get his number and called him
asking how he was preparing for his
wedding. He asked me which wedding was
I referring to and switched off his phone. It
was already late in the evening. I heard my
phone rang but before I could pick, it rang
out. I was excited when I noticed that the
call was from my wife. I did not bother to
call back because I assumed that she was
then at home. I got home but discovered
that she had not returned. It was then that I
called her number and the person who
picked the call said, ‘the person wey get this
phone don die. Come to the police station
oh’.
“I was shocked but I composed myself and
called my pastors, family and close friends.
It was when we got to the police station
that it dawned on me that my wife was no
more. When I eventually saw her, she had
marks around her wrist which showed that
she was tied up. She also had bruises all
over her face.
“Henry murdered my wife for her
generosity. It was when the matter came
up, that some women in the estate
narrated their experiences. I have been
married to her for 15 years and God
blessed us with four children,” Emmanuel
said in tears.
Henry’s confession
At the police station, Henry admitted that
he hatched a plan to kidnap Helen but
insisted that the execotion of the plan was
easy because they were lovers. “Helen was
my girlfriend and she lured me into the
relationship. Her provision shop was closer
to where I was working and I used to call
her aunty. So, one day she called me and
told me that she would like us to be friends.
Initially, I was afraid to do that because she
was a married woman. But when she
started buying gifts like clothes and wrist
watches for me, I agreed. She had visited
my house three times. At a point, I decided
to kidnap her to raise about N10m to
establish a business and start a new life”,
he confessed. wrist watches for me, I
agreed. She
Determined to perfect his plot, Henry
arranged with an auxiliary nurse within the
area who could sedate Helen, so that she
would fall sleep. “So, on that day when she
told me that she would visit me, I arranged
with a nurse and told her that my brother’s
wife was insane and that I would like her to
give her sleep inducing injection, so that I
could tie her up and take her to the village.
On that fateful day, Helen drove to my
house and sat in front of my room. In the
process, I went and called four of my
neigbours to assist me tie her, so that I
could send her to the village and they did.
Thereafter, the nurse came and injected
her and she slept off. I paid her the sum of
N1,500 as agreed. After some time, she
could no longer move her body. So, we put
her in her car and drove her to the General
Hospital, Oke Odo. On getting there, they
did not want to attend to us. One of the
nurses said that the woman was already
dead. It was then I knew that I had entered
into trouble.
“One of the people that followed me to the
hospital escaped and ran to our house to
report. I think, it was they that informed the
police for fear of being arrested. Shortly,
the police came and arrested me. I had no
intention to kill her. What I needed from
her was money. My intention was to kidnap
her, so that her family would raise money
for me. It could be that the injection the
nurse gave her was overdose,” he narrated.
Pleading for mercy, Henry said he could not
explain what led him into the act. “I think
there is a bad spirit that is tormenting me.
My parents died when I was 3 and I do not
have any one to lean on. There was a
female herbalist in my village that I was
working with and before she died, she told
me to continue with the job, but I refused. I
do not know whether it was my refusal that
is working against me now. Please help me
invite a pastor to pray for me”, he pleaded.
Henry told Saturday Sun that he came to
Lagos at the age of 15 but had nowhere to
stay. So, he went straight to Iyana Ipaja
under bridge. He stayed there for two years
before he was able to get someone to
squat with. Thereafter, he left and met the
owner of his present apartment who later
moved out and left the place for him.
When asked whether his neighbours who
helped him tie his victim were members of
his gang, he denied that they had hands in
the deal; rather he deceived them that the
woman was insane and needed help to tie
her and take her to the village.
I heard someone scream, Landlady, son
recount
Expressing gratitude to God that she
noticed the situation on time, the landlady
of the house, Cibi Shittu said that they
would have been in trouble if Henry
succeeded in fleeing the compound. “Henry
is my tenant and lives at the boys’ quarters.
I do not know much about his activities as
he is a quiet tenant that only greets and
goes his way. On that fateful day, I was in
the house and heard the voice of a woman
crying for help. Although, I had waist pain, I
managed to drag myself out of the house
and walked towards his apartment. I
noticed that they were dragging someone
and I called out to Henry who we fondly
called Oyibo. He simply told me not to
worry that there was no problem, but I was
suspicious because I heard some
screaming.
“Immediately, I called my son Gafaru to
leave whatever he was doing and come to
the house and he did in less than 20
minutes. If not for God, I’m sure that the po­
lice would have detained us for days over
the incident”, she maintained.
Corroborating her mom, Gafaru said when
he heard the urgency in his mother’s voice,
he ran to their house. “That day was the
first time that I met Henry personally. I
knew we had a tenant called Henry but
since I do not live in that compound, I had
not met him personally. As soon as I got to
his room, he refused to allow me in but I
was able to observe that a hefty woman
was lying on the floor. I also noticed that he
had packed his bags as if he wanted to
travel.
“I asked him who she was and he explained
that Helen was his sister who was insane.
He claimed that he drugged her so that
they could carry her to the east where a
specialist would take care of her. I
demanded that he should take her to the
hospital. We took her to the General
Hospital and they confirmed that she was
already dead.
“I held unto him, and demanded that we
have to report the matter to the police
since the woman was dead. I searched for
him and saw the woman’s phone. I checked
her call and the most recent call was saved
as ‘My Husband’. I dialed the number and
informed the person that picked the call
that his wife was dead. We alerted the
police, who came and picked him up from
the hospital”, Gafaru narrated.